1st Father’s Day without my Father

During my Dad’s last few days in the hospital this past May, he was breathing but taking his last breaths. Listening but unable to respond. In one of our last one-sided conversations with him, my mom told him she wanted to smell gardenias when he was around (and she does) and I said I wanted to see a butterfly. Since his death I’ve seen butterflies in places, and at times, that I’ve never seen them before: when I clean his car (he loved his car!!) and today, on Father’s Day, while walking around Magic Island, a cherished beach park that my parents would take my sister and me to when we were kids.  

Will not having Dad around ever start to hurt less? I doubt it. But today, I’m sitting here in the sunshine. Laying out on a mat in the sand near the ocean. Smelling ono meat being grilled. Listening to kids and family’s play and make memories. And feeling grateful to have 40 years with my dad who did everything in his power to make sure I was healthy, happy and safe. I miss you Dad! Happy Father’s Day!

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Grateful today is Friday. Spent most of the evening spoon-feeding my dad water mixed with a dye so the docs could do a CT scan to get a better picture of his cancer. He doesn’t have to drink thickened liquids anymore but he still can’t drink straight from the cup or through a straw to prevent pneumonia.

Good things:

  • Pizza for dinner
  • Sierra Nevada Otra Vez
  • Season 1 of Jane the Virgin…can I please
  • #beacheselgato 

punctuation while texting

I love writing and I’m always going through phases of trying to practice more, but what usually ends up happening is that I get sucked down the evil rabbit hole that is the Internet. 

A few weeks ago I found a 12-day plan of simple writing exercises on Writers Digest. Will it take me a month or more to finish 12 exercises? Probably. But, here I go.

Day 1: write 10 potential book titles of books you’d like to write. (These aren’t titles but ideas. And, some are thoughts that I’d like to happen so I can write about them!)

  1. How I quit my job to travel the world (and get paid!)
  2. Cooking and entertaining with my BF
  3. How yoga changed my life – and helped me lose 40lbs
  4. My summer in New York City
  5. My life had I made other choices
  6. Oahu’s Best Public Restrooms 
  7. How my dad made it to America
  8. The stories of my family
  9. Growing up brown in a white world
  10. Finding happiness. Do you. 

Till next time…

  

wind down (if i drank wine this entry would be titled “wine down”)

what are a few things you accomplished today?

i walked to work – but mostly because I ran out to catch my bus and it flew past me, just as I was about to cross the street. (Even though The Bus has GPS, Da Bus app sucks for arrival accuracy.) However, i voluntarily walked home after work today. the late afternoon weather was great – the sun was still out and a breeze was blowing. and, after recently watching the Stones Throw documentary, I’ve been catching up on artists on the label. been listening to a lot of Quasimoto these last couple days and it was super great to turn up my headphones and zone out while walking. 

i was focused at work. and the time flew by! one day closer to the weekend…

i ate a salad for dinner. 

now….dreaming of this coco-choco ice cream cone I got at Wing a couple weeks ago. 

 

the sting of cold air

freedom. youth. weightlessness. what does that feel like to you? 

i remember being 18 and in the backseat of a Volkswagon Rabbit with my best friend, my high school boyfriend and his friend, who was graciously allowing the 3 of us to sleep on the floor of her apartment while we figured out our shit. we’d just arrived from hawaii and she was showing us around costa mesa, CA. i remember it was evening and not many cars were on the freeway. a goofy smile on my face and wide-eyed glee, i took in the billboards and the bright lights. the car windows were rolled all the way down and the heater was all the way up on high. the cold wind stung my cheeks but the heat cut through to create perfectly warm air. i was 2,500 miles away from home, with a security blanket of friends, and didn’t have a care in the world. it was exhilarating. 

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the other week, i was walking back to the office from lunch and i made eye contact with someone from a previous life – a girl that i’d hung out with in college and we somehow fell out of touch. we made plans to re-connect over lunch and it was like no time had passed. we remembered we were in an english or writing class together. as we ate lunch, she asked…do you still write? my answer: sadly, no. 

why is it that something i love to do, i rarely make the time to do it?? i blame allowing myself too many online distractions. (BTW, newest Netflix obsession is Damages – if you want to get sucked into a show i highly recommend this.)

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i’ve started going back to hot yoga. i’m paying monthly for an unlimited membership because i think it’ll help me be more diligent about my practice. this is my 5th consecutive week, and i plan to be committed. i’m also lucky to have a BF that motivates me to go after work, when I’m most lazy, and who will fix dinner so it’s ready when i get home after class. 

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tomorrow is monday. see you again soon, weekend.